Daring To Take Up Space

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In addition, children of narcissistic parents may have difficulty asserting their own needs and desires because growing up; it was never about them. Whenever they express their needs, they are punished. So even as adults, they feel a compulsive need to always pander to others. You may think this sounds overly ”transactional,” but in truth, all relationships are transactional in that they involve an exchange. In a romantic relationship, for example, each partner may provide the other emotional support, companionship, or more concrete things like money and sex. This feeling that you are only loved for your utility may also cause social anxiety. If you do not believe you can be loved only for who you are, you would feel you must always be doing something not to be rejected and abandoned by the world. This can mean you find it challenging to sit in silence. You would not know how to be helpful when there is no structure or direction. You feel lost and are confronted with the deep emptiness within you. You may describe it as “awkward” or “uncomfortable” when in reality, you might be faced with deeprooted shame feelings from your past— the shame of not being able to do anything useful for your parents, the shame of not being able to save your parents from the abusive partner or the alcoholic spouse, etc. There was no reason to be ashamed; of course, it was never your job to save your parents from their dysfunctions and unhappy lives, but as a child, you assumed those were your responsibilities. It was your way of loving them. Since there was no one to comfort your young soul and let you know it was not your fault, you have internalized the feeling that no matter how much you do, you aren’t good enough. There is a lot of research that suggests that the way we hold our bodies can have an impact on our minds. For example, adopting a posture of confidence can make you feel more confident, while keeping yourself in a shrinking posture can make you feel insecure. One way to take up space physically is to focus on your posture, on lengthening your spine and broadening your shoulders. That is how taking up space in a healthy way looks like. You may also observe how leaders, public speakers and confident people compose themselves. Becoming more aware of your body and learning to express yourself can help you feel more powerful and in control. When you take up space, you communicate that you have a place in the world and that your voice deserves to be heard. Taking up space is a birthright and something we innately know how to do, but not everyone feels able to do it. When we take up space in the world, we occupy a physical and psychological territory. Our bodies fill the area, and our presence is felt. For some people, taking up space can be a challenge. They may think they are not worthy of the space they take up or need to minimize their presence.

PDF is the most common eBook file format and it gives you lots of options to customize the reading experience. You can set the PDF file size, color, or highlight the important text. On the other hand, ePub is also an impressive eBook reader that has its own benefits and advantages. Apart, from this, we also upload eBooks in Mobi or djvu formats. These are also popular eBook formats and many users like them. You can request us if you need a book in specific eBook formats. Details about Daring To Take Up Space by Daniell Koepke Because narcissistic parents are often controlling and possessive and like to tell their children how to live, their children may be deprived of the opportunity to develop their sense of self. They may grow up without the chance to discover who they are, their likes and dislikes, and their interests. A child damaged by a narcissistic parent feels that they have lost their identity. They may not be allowed to have their thoughts or feelings and are constantly ridiculed and repressed. As a result, they may feel chronically empty inside, as if they do not know who they are. Identity confusion leads to difficulties in taking up space that is rightfully theirs.

Daring To Take Up Space

Sadly, this means you are more likely to be attracted to someone who controls and dominates you than to someone who truly respects you. For example, you may feel a sense of familiarity when someone makes decisions for you, even if you know that’s not right. In contrast, when someone respects your agency and wants you to make decisions for yourself, you feel anxious and would instead reject these relationships. When someone cannot take up space and talk about themselves, they sacrifice their ability to relate to others. Because they cannot talk about themselves or express negative emotions, it is difficult for others to get to know them in an authentic way. The inability to take up space is why many trauma survivors feel alone in life. Even when surrounded by people, they feel unseen, unheard, as if they are all alone. In other words, they are shutting the doorway to genuine intimacy by not taking up space. Daniell Koepke is the author behind the Internal Acceptance Movement (I. A.M.). In her first poetry collection, Daniell gives voice to the fear and anxiety, as well as the perseverance and strength, that has been fundamental to her own personal growth journey and the path to deeper and more meaningful self-love and acceptance. In her own words, this book is for 20the 17-year-old Daniell who was convinced she was worthless who was convin When traumatized children enter an unfamiliar space, they become extremely cautious and vigilant, watching for any sign of threat and vigilantly observing their parents’ reactions. Even if they get permission to play, they do not know what to do in a vast open space without instructions.

Many people who have not known how to take up space for years feel empty and lost in their identity. You may think you need to know who you are and feel secure before expressing yourself or socialising. However, if you wait until you are ready, you may never be. The unfortunate, often painful, truth about life is that you can try your best at something and still not succeed. People with narcissistic parents are afraid to take up space because they have learned that it is not safe to do so. They may have been constantly criticized by their parents or made to feel small, which has caused them to doubt themselves and their worth. As a result, they often think they have to apologize for their existence and be quiet to avoid attention or criticism.

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People unable to take up space often experience heightened social anxiety because they find unstructured situations intimidating. When there is no clear objective or rules to a situation, they would not know what to say or do, and if they do not know how to please the other person, they would feel lost. Feeling accepted and valued for simply being ourselves can be a profound experience because it allows us to connect with others deeply. Thinking we are only loved for what we can do for others, however, frequently requires us to perform or please others. Honing the skill of self-awareness is a good start. This means getting to know your feelings, beliefs, habits, and particular emotional triggers and reactions. When you understand your feelings and preferences, you can figure out how to express them in healthy ways. Remember, there are no “bad” feelings. Even often dismissed emotions like anger and sadness have value and serve an essential function. Suppose you have to strive to prove your worthiness constantly. In that case, it will be challenging for you to be playful, spontaneous, or creative, relax in relationships, and produce original, impactful work. Another reason parents suppress a gifted child’s ability to shine is that they feel intimidated. If you were a gifted child – whether intellectually, emotionally, or spiritually – your parents may not have intended to hurt you, and they may not have been aware that they were constantly silencing you. But because they were uncomfortable being seen through and confronted continuously with your radical honesty, they tried subtly or explicitly to keep you from voicing your views. Moreover, if they do not have a good relationship with their emotional world, your strong emotions and intensity may also be felt as a threat to them. So, to protect themselves, they make you think that you are in the wrong for showing your feelings and speaking your truth. Because you have internalized the message that your natural self is a threat to others and that your parents would “love you less” if you continue to take up space, you have been conditioned to mute yourself.

If you were parentified by vulnerable and needy parents, you might internalize the unconscious belief that you are loved not for who you are but for what you can do for others. This can bring a lifelong struggle for unconditional love and acceptance of yourself. As I began to love myself I found that anguish and emotional suffering are only warning signs that I was living against my own truth. Today, I know, this is “AUTHENTICITY”. Charlie Chaplin I want to talk about creating your life. There’s a quote I love, from the poet Mary Oliver, that goes:

When we speak of space, we usually refer to the physical territory occupied by an individual or group. But space is not only physical; it can also be psychological, emotional and relational. Psychological space is the “real estate” we use to express our thoughts and feelings. Taking up space is essential to our well-being and can be used to protect us from intrusion and boundary violations. In a relational field, we might take up space by drawing attention to ourselves and being the centre of attention, talking about ourselves in conversations, using our posture to exude confidence, looking others in the eye, expressing a strong emotion, expressing a strong opinion, etc. When someone takes up space, they assert their presence and confidence, honing their voice and protecting themselves from intrusions from others.